"Happiness is not something ready made, it comes from your own actions" Dalai Lama XVI"

 -  Dali Lami

Anxiety doesn't have to be debilitating!

Many people come to my office wanting help for their anxiety. Much of the time, their anxiety can be clearly connected to events going on in their lives. I help them learn to stay in the present moment, to stop their habit of imagining worst-case scenarios and to breathe and ground their energy. They learn new skills to calm themselves and they go on with life.

 

Sometimes, though, there is no clear situation or event connected to the anxiety. They report that they just feel anxious most of the time, for no apparent reason. They get temporary relief from changing their thinking and doing their breathing and grounding exercises, but they quickly feel anxious again.

 

When this happens, we have to dig a little deeper. I explain that, many times, people learn to hold in disturbing emotions such as sadness, anger, or hurt. They’ve most likely been holding them in since childhood. They learned as children that expressing sadness, anger, and/or hurt resulted in being  chastised, punished, ignored, or ridiculed, so they learned to tense their bodies and hold their breath to  keep the emotions from coming out. Sometimes they have done this for so long that they are not even aware that these feelings exist for them anymore. But they are there, deeply held in the body and mind. They have learned to unconsciously stay on guard against expressing these feelings. So as adults, when any of these repressed feelings start to come to the surface, an internal alarm goes off that “dangerous emotions are about to erupt.” Thus, they feel anxious. Sometimes, even current sad, angering, or hurtful situations can set off the alarm.

 

 

Does this description resonate with you? If so, don’t despair because there is hope. It takes some effort and courage, but you can learn to change your automatic anxious response. You’ll have to learn to surrender. You will learn to notice which emotions are beginning to emerge just before the anxiety starts. Then you’ll learn to allow them, and to (bravely) breathe through them until they’ve been fully expressed. Our bodies were made to experience a wide range of important emotions; when you surrender to the emotional experience, the “alarm” becomes obsolete.

 

In therapy you will learn a process by which it is possible to train yourself to allow emotional experience. Basically, it involves learning to do focused abdominal breathing, relaxation, paying attention to bodily sensations, recognizing the sensations as emerging emotions, and allowing the emotions to happen. It takes dedication and practice, so the more you practice, the better you’ll get at it. Anxiety doesn't have to be debilitating!!!

What to do with Anger

There was a time when "all the rage" meant being up-to-date in fashion or knowing the latest dance step. Now, it can only refer to a raging anger bubbling just below the surface, waiting for someone to come along and do, or say, just the wrong thing to release it.

 

Why All the Anger?

 

Rage is a violent and uncontrollable anger that can be expressed in a variety of ways—bared teeth, yelling, or physically abusing someone, to name a few. It's mounting unhappiness and frustration that finally finds a release point and just lets go. When most people reach, and cross, that line, their rage has been building for some time and finally just can’t be restrained any longer.

 

Experiencing someone else's rage can be highly disturbing. When we're the target of such rage, or even just witnessing the person vent it, we can feel cowed and emotionally abused. We’re not quite sure how far they might go before they turn their rage down, or off.

 

Rage is often the polar opposite of depression in its expression, but its evolution stems from many of the same conditions: We feel helpless. Lost. Taken advantage of. We feel like we've come up short in comparison to others. We feel we haven’t been given what we deserve. We experience life as “not fair.”

 

The problem with extreme negative emotions like rage—and depression—is that they deplete us. They make us less able to cope with the ups and downs of everyday life. We can find ourselves walking around worrying about the next thing that might go wrong—that might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

 

Rage is not a positive state for anyone—and the consequences can be long-standing if it isn’t diverted. Instead of allowing these emotions to build, and placing yourself in a potentially disastrous situation in which you've lost the ability to stay objective and balanced, take these four steps to deflate the rage balloon building inside you:

 

1.Be aware of your triggers. What upsets you? What behaviors in others, experiences, or thoughts set you off? What ignites the fires that turn into negativity? Instead of repeatedly getting triggered or drawn in, step back and examine these conditions. Become conscious and watchful of them instead of being dragged down by them.

2. Ask yourself, “Is this worth it?” As you feel you're about to lose your cool, get into a fight, or say something nasty to someone, let the voice inside of you be heard and stop you for just three seconds to ask whether what you're about to do is worth it. Will you feel better, or worse, tomorrow for having lost your cool tonight?

3. Find another outlet. We can get so focused on what's upsetting us that we become fixated on it. If my neighbor’s shiny new car makes me feel like a loser because I'm driving a rusting lemon, I shouldn’t drive by their house and envy the ride in their driveway. If my daughter singing loudly in her room to music I hate upsets me, I shouldn’t stand outside her room and listen to it! These examples may sound silly, but they represent how we react to a variety of situations. We can be drawn to that which upsets us. So move away—and turn your attention elsewhere.

4. Practice calming mantras and sayings. Have something handy in your mind that you enjoy—the lyrics to a favorite song, a poem, a speech from a favorite movie, a piece of scripture. When you feel yourself entering a state of rage, stop where you are and turn your attention to those positive, funny, or uplifting words so they can help you make a conscious choice not to head down that path. Don’t expect to be able to do this easily on the spot; prepare the phrases in advance for when you'll need them.

5 Things That Get In The Way Of a Close Connected Relationship…

5 Things That Get In The Way Of a Close Connected Relationship… 

 

There are many reasons why people have communication challenges in their relationships.

 

These five big communication challenges are: 

 

1. Fear

 

2. Beliefs and social conditioning that do not serve us 

 

3. The desire to hold on to being “Right”

 

4. Not listening to understand 

 

5. Running away.

 

Notice that fear is put on the list first. 

 

This is because fear is what we call the “silent killer” of communication and loving relationships. If you were to ask most people if they are fearful in their relationships, they would probably say “No.” If we were to delve deeper into their relationships, we might find that they withhold their true feelings when they are not sure how their partner will react. Whether you recognize it or not– this is fear in action. 

 

There is a belief that most people hold that says “don’t expect a great relationship to keep its spark.”  If there was ever a true disempowering belief, this is it. If you want a great relationship, don’t buy into this belief. It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

 

The next problem is the desire that most people have to be “Right.” Whenever you hold on to the need to be “Right,” you are building walls that prevent open communication.  The question is “Do you want to be ‘Right’ or do you want love?” Holding onto the need to be “Right” will always drive a wedge between you and another person. For the benefit of your relationship, If you’re doing this, you should stop it.

 

The fourth big case is not listening to understand. Most people really do listen but they don’t understand. The reason they don’t understand is that many people listen from their own agenda, listen so that they can fix the other person or a thousand other reasons. The fact is that unless you listen to other people with the intention to connect and to understand, there will always be distance and conflict. 

 

The last case is the way we react to conflict in our relationships.  When conflict arises, most of us will do whatever we can to avoid dealing with the issues that are going on. We’ve all heard of the “flight or fight” response when faced with a stressful situation.It’s been our experience that one of the biggest challenges in relationship is created when we choose to run away instead of staying present and agreeing to heal the differences between us. 

Well, these aren’t the only communication challenges that get in the way of a great relationship, but they are five of the biggest.

10 Things to STOP doing to yourself

10 THINGS TO STOP DOING TO YOURSELF

#1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

#2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

#3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

#4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

#5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

#6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

#7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

#8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

#9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

#10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.

If you do these things, ask yourself , Why?? and Make a change!

Who goes for Therapy? How can it Help?

When I tell people that I am a Psychotherapist, I mostly get asked “What kinds of people do you see are they “crazy” or do they have “Psychological Problems”?” I get the impression that people think Counselling or Psychotherapy is only for a particular “Type” of person. My answer is always, that I see very normal everyday people with very normal issues.

Psychotherapy can help all sorts of people in many different situations. Research shows that talking therapies work just as well whether you’re old or young, male or female, white or black, gay or straight, working class or middle class. Your educational background makes no difference either. National and international studies suggest that 25% of the population will experience a mental health difficulty at some point in their lives and that 44% of people in Ireland have had a direct experience of mental health problems (either their own, or within family/friends). (National Health Reform)

Many people attend Psychotherapy when they experience a period of emotional or psychological distress which is getting in the way of your normal ability to arrange your life more effectively. Psychotherapy provides an opportunity for you to talk to a qualified, professional and empathic therapist who can help you better understand what’s going on for you and how you might improve your situation. This can involve reflecting on your life experiences and your responses to new situations. The counsellor will also help you to identify what changes in life style or behaviour could reduce any distress you feel. You will be supported as you consider how to go about making these changes. Depending on what you are able to share, the psychotherapist works with you to explore how you can work towards living in a way that is more satisfactory and resourceful for you.

Psychotherapy benefits issues such as; just not feeling happy or feeling yourself, Bereavement, Depression, Anxiety, Lack of self Confidence, Phobia, Relationship Issues, Drug or Alcohol Misuse, Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, to name but a few.
 

For these issues Psychotherapy will:

  1. Give you a narrative. Most of us spend a good portion of our adult lives trying to figure ourselves out. Therapy is a useful tool in that process because -- if you stick with it long enough -- you gradually acquire a story that you can tell yourself to make sense of your past.
  2. Identify patterns of Behaviours. As you begin to unearth your own narrative, you'll discover that you have a pattern of repeating particular behaviours. It's not until you can clearly see the patterns that you can think about change.
  3. Normalizes problems. Are you experiencing "Ordinary Misery" or "Ordinary Unhappiness,” Which is another way of saying that if you stay inside your own head too long you run the risk of thinking that your problems are worse than they are? By talking to someone else about your problems you come to see that 1.) You aren't crazy 2.) Lots of other people have the same issues as you and 3.) All of these things are fixable.
  4. Change your life. Psychotherapy gives you the tools to do so.  Therapy offers you a chance to take insights about yourself and apply those towards concrete changes in your life.
  5. It gives us Hope......................................................................................

 

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Louise Reddin Ba Hons

councellor and physcotherapy gorey wexford

Be sure to click here or on the "About Me" page to get more information about myself and the services I offer. I offer a free initial consultation and I am based in Gorey, Co. Wexford

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